I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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