where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Less talking, more tequila
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
