Michael Bay diarrhea
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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