This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
