Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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