Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
