Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
