Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
