I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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