i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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