Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
