i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
