I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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