I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
