Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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