I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize