She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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