Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
