I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
