I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize