Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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