dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
