I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
