dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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