Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
