she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
