actually, I'm a sock model
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Come on in and take your pants off
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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