Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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