I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
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