this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
