Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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