He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
