Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
