Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
