her vagine was all disorganized.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
