Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize