just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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