oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
