I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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