I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She's like a pop up book from hell.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
