8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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