Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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