awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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