She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
