I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
