he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
