You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
