Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
