how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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