i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
