Just cropdusted the office
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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