Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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