sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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