My sheets look like a crime scene.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm getting married
To pizza
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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