your thong is hanging out like whoa
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
