there's paper in my vomit.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
