I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
