just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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