Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
