Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
